Merry Christmas everyone- a Curious year- Good luck with the next. If you hunt on the music page you may find a couple of new old songs there. Hint- scroll 'all the way down'! :)
Word up! And a HAPPY NEW YEAR-
m@
Two more "new old" (circa 2002 & 2001) matt bentley songs- this time, a couple of pop ballads I'm pretty happy about-
"Under the Earth" contains a piano underlay that I'm most happy with, whereas "Time for the singer to go" is a well-written pop-piece with excellent vocals. But the piano sounds a little 'tinkly' compared to the real piano on 'Under' (my setup was a little unsophisticated at the time).
Both on music page-
m@
5 years ago or more, I remember seeing an old sad homeless man walking down Lambton Quay in Wellington. He had a permanent lump/growth on his forehead, and he looked constantly depressed. In my youth, I felt that I was doing him a favour when I walked up to him and gave him ten dollars- he turned and looked at me through a haze, and made to say something, but instead of connecting with him, as I should of done, as a human being, I just said, "no, don't worry, have it". And practically fled- not in horror, though in retrospect I realise it was purely out of an unwillingness to connect with another human being's suffering- I wanted to feel damn good about myself as a human being without having to be one-
and that is the essense of sympathy. As opposed to empathy, sympathy reaches down- whereas empathy reaches across. Empathy is our desire to connect on a meaningful level with our fellow people/beings, whereas sympathy is a subtle condescention, a ridiculous farce of empathy that makes you look like a twat.
I've stated that I don't require any sympathy for my state-of-being, for my chronic fatigue syndrome, or whatever-the-hell-it-is, and I did it with purpose, but not without leaving room for empathy, which was implied, as stating it would've been too didactic.
Therein is the rub. People don't want to connect with those in a lower cycle of being- people want to feel better, not worse- so feeling what another less cheerful person feels, might bring them down! As I have learnt to my disappointment.
Feeling sorry for someone- feeling sympathy - and forever holding internally that state of disconnection, and subtle superiority- that's f*cking easy. That's the cheap, nasty path of holiness- you don't want to lie down with the lamb, you just want to pat it on the head! A hypocrite and a monster. People don't need your sympathy- they need your empathy- and your support.
And that involves being receptive, emphatic, living with whatever comes up, and holding in place that awareness, that connection of being, that sticky impure, human empathy, not the clean plastic sympathy.
So enough said- as the addendum to this story, turns out that guy- known as 'bucket man' to the majority of wellingtonians- he died three years later, and the newspaper I read published his story- he wasn't poor- he had all the money he needed-
but when his wife left him, at some point he snapped, quit his job, and became a bum- out of sheer frustration, hopelessness, or just a strange dissatisfaction with society et all I'll never know. It was sad. The prime minister attended his funeral. For one day, this poor, seemingly-eternally sad man was a local celebrity- the day he died. And he didn't need my money. He probably didn't need anything from me-
but by starving him of my connection- good or bad- by furthering society's rejection of all those who're downtrodden, offbeat, or just plain unhappy, I aided nothing but his own rejection of society in his sick sad little world.
A year later, I met a man on the sidewalk, while waiting for a bus- immediately I judged him for drinking his beer in the middle of the day, for being a fat bastard, for being just a f**king bum, but he caught it- he saw that look in the corner of my eye, and asked me: "Do you judge me? Are you judging me because I'm having a drink, just because it's the middle of the day?"- I replied in the negative, though of course it was true- I had been judging him, I had thought that someone drinking, heavily in the middle of the day, in a public place no less, was some sort of judicial disgrace. But I held my tongue- that conversation turned out to be one of the more worthwhile exchanges of my life- I let him draw me in with words, and I was struck with how intuitive, how straight-forward, how honest and open (as only a drunken hobo can be...) the connection was-
I can't say for sure that I've learnt my lesson- but I keep on trying-
Bom shankar, and word up :)
m@t.e
This time I'm contrasting two pieces - (a) 2005 - the original bare-piano ver. of a nice piece, (the super-hidden track from The Interesting EP, which was released a year ago but is now removed), plus (b) 2002 - my alterna-rock version of friend James Byerly's Flies of Tibet, 'guns of tibet'.
Download from music page.
M@t
Some of you may notice the slight descrepencies in the site, now that I've done a MIND-ALTERING change to the structure of it, which essentially means that on IE6 it now looks like poo, because of the bugs that IE6 has-
Sorry about this, but to be honest, none of you should be using internet Explorer- it is a massive security risk- I mean, _COME ON_, even the US government issued a security warning about how we shouldn't be using it- and you're still using it? Come on. Also, it's chocablock full of bugs.
I had a friend go online with it and within one week his machine was full of virii, spyware and spam- so I agree.
At any rate, the changes mean that it is now google-able- in other words, it now shows up in and can get properly scanned by google and other various search engines- huge amount of work though, *whew*.
Please let me know if something isn't working via the contact page.
This time calling for the immediate suspension of the war on iraq and recall of all US and british troops from the region - for the sake of the Iraqi people suffering under the US-led regime, please consider signing:
www.ceasefirecampaign.org
The two new old songs for this week: "Noise" and "Whaddayawant".
"Whaddayawant" is a completely sh*te demo track I put together for my late dead friend Simon Castles when he called for "punkish" songs for a north korean computer game- mine didn't meet the cut, but was enamoured with it nonetheless-
lyrics are crap, because I just threw it together as an example of what I was going for, and because I knew there was a chance it wouldn't get used, so didn't bother putting anything into it.
"Noise" is just that-
Have a listen :)
I'm okay with weird. I was weird long before it was cool. But then there's *weird*. This was -weird-.
A random humourous phrase popped into my head: "The best way to fall off a cliff"- so, as I am wont to do, I searched for the phrase on google, thinking it unlikely that in the entire internet, someone would've used that exact phrase. I was wrong. Google came up with just one link: soon I found myself reading what turned out to be not just an erotic story- but dragon porn. Yes, dragon porn. Do you know what "dragon porn" is? It's porn. With dragons... Yup.
That's my spot of *weird*ness for the next while. Wow.
Anyway-
m@
I wonder, sometimes, if some people who read this site might go "Eh? He's vaguelly buddhist? What? He's... ANgry! Isn't it all about passive aggression? I though all buddhists were meant to be walking doormats- you know, pacifists?? Wow buddhism must suck"- The Dalai Lama is a very good buddhist, as are other exemplary teachers like Thich Nhat Hanh. Hell, even bad tibetan buddhists are still probably better at buddhism than me- I am not a particularly good buddhist- the main style of buddhism I tend to identify the most with is outlined in Darlene Cohen's "Turning Suffering Inside Out". And she's very angry. She's also got crippling athritis- which brings her back down to earth in terms of the juxtaposition of Zen ideals and actual reality. I'm the same, although I'm not in crippling pain- but I do have anger in spades. Many, many spades.
It's what we get given, so work with it.
In a side note, the brief trip to Wellington, plus the VideoVST Project have really worn me down over the past three months- and as a result my CFS & health is probably back where it was a year ago- trying some medication- otherwise I'm looking at another slow recovery period.
m@
Hi there-
please help Amnesty International demonstrate worldwide support for
political freedom on the internet, and
against internet suppression and police monitoring in China, Taiwan and
Iran, at the UN Worldwide Internet conference in November by signing the
following petition:
irrepressible.info
also available through www.amnesty.org
This comes as a response to the imprisonment and torture of chinese
journalists and citizens for expressing their views on democracy online.
unreleased previously, an improv piano piece I did back in 2004- just wandering cinematic stuff really. Have a listen: Last Way Around the old Farm Shed. As per usual, linked to in 2004 under the 'Music' page as well-
Sutemo's "Intelligent Toys 3" compilation (130MB - hooray! for broadband) is - simply put - the very best thing I've ever heard in ambient/IDM electronic compilations. Free!
Their previous two compilations aren't bad either - download from their main website here: click.
I realised today, that the destruction of the Pink and White Terraces (one of the natural wonders of the world before their destruction by Mount Tarawera in the 1800's) while lamentable, also protected Tarawera and the surrounding areas from the incessant gawkers, passers-by/tourists, who would cloud the shores and swamp the roads-
In contrast, the tarawera of today remains as placcid as a fish despite the council's efforts to make the area more "tourist-friendly" via various upgrades (e.g the concrete footpaths). Bar a few days over summer, the area can be mistaken for a dead fish. What remains in the wake of the eruption is a priceless stillness, undeterred by the constant flow of traffic and persons which would have surely followed had the terrace's survived the eruption.
And for that, though not for the massive extinction of forest and human life, we should be grateful.
Hi there-
I'm gonna start putting some of my old songs back online, as I upload them one by one - check back each week to find the new (well, old) songs I've uploaded. I'll note them here, on the news, but they'll be accessible from the music page. If you've already downloaded them in the past, these versions are of much, much higher quality - 160bps 48k as opposed to 128bps 44k for the old versions. (48k sounds better because it was the original rate that most of the songs were recorded at, for later DVD usage (mostly)).
To get the ball rolling, I've just uploaded 'America' (my angsty anti-america's-foreign-policy-song (industrial)) and 'anger cloud' (hard, moodish instrumental - with real cello!!!). See 2003 & 2002 on the Music page-
m@
Has anynody noticed that that anti-DVD-piracy advert they've started putting on every single DVD completely fails it's intended purposes? For one, it makes piracy and stealing look really, -really- *cool*, and, it makes me want to rip -my own DVD's- just so I can remove the bloody adverts!
Well, more of a gathering, actually- f*cking great though- wonderful- so much bloody chocolate- and laughter of course - nearly snorted chocolate out my nose-
great s**t. Surprisingly, the whole day I was basically cleaning/cooking for others, which would've bothered me if I had thought about it as being about me- but because I chose to focus on the joy I was giving others, instead - that made it more pleasant-
A good time had by all...
Ate fish and chips at Fish Fins in Newtown: Done!
Ate Curry from Yummy Curry in Karori: Done!
Visited my old Kung Fu 'dojo': Done (things are a little better than they used to be)!
Walked Wilton bush: Done! (Yet more bulls**t 'development' ie. ripping down pines - and to think they used to get pissy with people taking ferns away out of it)
Walked through Karori: DONE! But very sad to see the state of Karori park - they've ripped down pines, which is fine, but they don't look as though they're gonna plant natives, which is s**t, because all you get is a blank, grassy hillside - what're they gonna do? Park Cars on it??? That would be karori's style, after all. It's a beautiful place, largely inhabited by white middle-class nobs.
Saw all the people I cared about: Done!!! Including Maryanne's fiance.
Ate Falafel burger @ Abrabebabra in town: Done!! (sensing a pattern here, yes? Did I only go down to wellington for the good food? No, but definitely partially.)
Broke the mind-boring hold that my programming project (see below) had over my soul: Done!
Hitched one way, flew (cheaply) the other: Done!!!
Also saw llyal bay, island bay, kelburn, a little of the gardens & newtown-
Managed to get it all done in four/five days while keeping myself going and semi-sane via a combination of baths, rest, multivitamins, glyconutrient powder and 1000mg vitamin C each day:.
Am I almost completely bedridden at the end of it: Well, yes.
m@
Recently finished compiling a small (242k zipped) vst plugin which I
call VideoVST
- specifically designed for adding synced playback support
to the cheaper audio sequencers that don't have Video playback built
into them. I've been working on it for three months, so it's reasonably good, but buggy in
a few apps. Anyway, it's been entered into the KVR developer
challenge which means I could win something if you like it and also vote
for it (you'll have to sign up to become a member of KVR, to do so).
My page for it is here (included in the Links section, now) but
you can also download it from here- KVR Developer Challenge Voting website.
For those of you using 'Reaper', use the one from my website, which is more up to date.
And if you like it - and it doesn't turn your system into a flaming ball of
lukewarm bits - vote for it.
Oh, and check out the other plugins in the competition. Some of them pretty cool.
Was quite beautiful to go and see Pohutu geyser via the Maori village Whakarewarewa -
over the other side of Pohutu there's a similar, but extremely different walk/tourist park, called Te Puia-
the difference between the two is simple: Te Puia is a fairly typical Rotovegas (local slang for Rotorua) for-profit tourist attraction, replete with songbirds echoing through
small speakers attached to the sides of the tracks (WTF??!!???F???? There are songbirds IN THE TREES! Why the hell are you putting SPEAKERS there??), everything shiny and reeking of "I paid my money to see this, so it's better be good". Culture in a can. Culture porn. Fake.
The other side is as genuine as you get: we were led through by an old lady (Kuia) who'd lived in the village the whole life - she explained a lot:
Whakarewarewa converted to tourism as a way of sustaining the lives of those who live there, but it's more of a culture-sharing activity than a purely observatory functionality- the villagers still use hot water from the springs rather than paying for hot water heaters, and half of the ground is hot to the touch from geothermal activity-
add to this that the village in question was formed by the remnants of those who escaped the tarawera eruption - the sheer mountain which my family's bach (built by my grandfather) looks out upon -and the whole place takes on an interesting hue.
The children seem unphased by the tourists passing in and out of their surroundings - I mean, of course, they've grown up with it - but the whole thing has a pervading sense of naturalness that even the best, most expensive trip won't fulfill in you-
The old lady was absolutely lovely- if you're lucky, and you go in at 8am like I did, you might meet her - she claims to have predicted the boxing day tsunami and hurricane katrina via the swirling of some of the geothermal pools at the time-
personally, I'm not inclined to either believe or disbelieve her -
It's amazing that people can live in the middle of such an extreme environment- but that is the magic and mysteru that is Rotovegas:
and to paraphrase the band "Starship": "We built this city... Yeah, We built this city... We built this city... We built this city on a MASSIVE DANGEROUS GEOTHERMAL FISSURE (crap.)"
[EDIT:] Am now boycotting "Made in China" products to the extent possible - I mean, alright, components from china are in everything - it's pretty hard to get away from - but not everything is made completely in china, and whatever more pragmatic stance I can take on the general s**tness of their economy, I should take:
so henceforth, do not buy me anything "Made in China"... at least until their public get fed up with the lies they're being told and overthrow their leaders - but then, it hasn't happened in America yet, so why should it happen in China?
For the record - I think Chinese people are lovely, at least those I've met (i'm sure there's some total a*holes - in fact, given the below statements, I'm certain that many of them are).
However. They -are- and *continue to be* oblivious to the massive utter propaganda machine which is their governmental department:
The continuation of death, torture, Live organ harvesting, rape and immolation in their "Work camps", the destruction and desolation of their ecology,
the imprisonment of Chi Gong and otherwise harmless "enemies of the State" religious practitioners in said workcamps, the complete restriction, censorship and absolute control of media,
the defilement and destruction of tibet- the brutal torture and atrocious oppression of it's people, and last, but not least,
funding war and genocide in the balkans in return for fuel (oil)...
These things are seemingly like sand footprints to most chinese - mention them, and they're gone by the next minute.
It's not them "not hearing" you - it's just that it has no reality for them. They've been told otherwise- though personally, I wish they'd believe the UN's reports of human rights abuse instead-
Theirs is the most efficient form of totalitarian dictatorship - the kind where no-one realises they're in one, already.
I don't really need to provide links to prove the above statements - just google it. Speaking of which,
Google.CN will probably block this site- give it a month.
[EDIT:] Oh, and while we're with the cursing: F*ck Yahoo Mail - http://www.iht.com/articles/2005/10/24/business/yahoo.php
m@t
Buy a fluorescent lightbulb, now!!! ...says Walmart ... - http://www.fastcompany.com/subscr/108/open_lightbulbs.html
m@
Watched Don Mcglashan tonight (wrong spelling)- was good- he's not putting it on, like some older musicians appear to- he's actually 'with it', it being what he's playing, not the meter and movement of the audience's response.
Inspiring- like watching a swan take flight, then whip out a guitar and play 'Anchor me' while being accompanied by an eagle on slide guitar. First time I've seen live slide too-
but f*ck the people who talked through the whole show - like Snakes - I mean, why are they even there? Why would you bother coming to see a musician - particularly a musician of that caliber - play, if you can't be bothered shutting hell up? What kind of pathetic disrespectful dick does that?
The next time I find someone explaining to me how other people's perceptions are their 'realities',
I'll have to explain to them how unutterably stupid that idea is, lecture the bastards on how that
diatribe came about as a way of getting around the multiple conflicting bulls**t viewpoints within the new age philosophical spectrum,
and the general philosophy of postmodern ethics and sociological constraints, then wear a sign over their heads that
says Please Neuter Me, I endanger you!
Then I will send them on their merry way, or skip the above and punch them in the arm - which would actually communicate the exact same
concept, albiet in a quicker, more brutal, possibly more salutory (to me) form. That punch being the gross spectre of
actual reality endangering their self-concept as a floating island of self-sufficient, indivisible, self-contained entity.
Man I need a hug. Or maybe a punch.
m@
p.s To summarise (via syntheticzero's lucid diatribe): click here
Normally I don't like forwarding these kinds of things on:
but this is genuine and may actually have a small effect on the escalating conflict:
Dear friends,
Right now a tragedy is unfolding in the Middle East.
Thousands of innocent civilians have been killed or
wounded in the bombings in Lebanon, Palestine and
Israel and the death toll is rising every day. If the
US, Syria or Iran get involved, there is a chance of a
catastrophic larger war. UN Secretary General Kofi
Annan has called for an immediate ceasefire and the
deployment of international troops to the
Israel-Lebanon border, and been strongly supported by
almost every world leader. This is the best proposal
yet to stop the violence, but the US, the UK, and
Israel have refused to accept it.
I have just signed a petition calling on US President
Bush, UK Prime Minister Blair, and Israeli Prime
Minister Olmert to support Kofi Annan's proposal. If
millions of people join this call, and we advertise
our views in newspapers in the US, UK, and Israel, we
can help pressure these leaders to stop the fighting.
Go to the link below and sign up now!
Click here: http://www.ceasefirecampaign.org
Have been thinking a lot lately, about respect- what it is- what it implies, and what it does.
What it does is simple: it raises a person's perception of the regard with which others... regard him, via external validation of that level of regard.
What it implies is not so simple: for example, the reasons for which we each of us respect another are far-ranging, multiplicitly varied and utterly complex:
if I admire you for one thing, it may not be the same thing for which you admire (or mis-admire) me back-
people respect others for a variety of reasons: financial success, social skills, physical, mental or artistic achievements, intrinsic personality traits and/or social status. Power, wealth and control are the cheapest ones;
others such as personality traits are harder to match up.
If I - for example - admire someone because they are withdrawn and therefore give the impression of high self-worth, of others needing to come to them (rather than the other way around - ie. negative and positive social status reflection)- they may inversely admire me for having the wherewithal to reach out and make the effort to make contact (ie. intrinsic personality traits - in this case willingness to risk = boldness, self-confidence and possible social standing).
On the other hand this other person might look down on me for being the one to approach, showing need and/or possibly weakness- these perceptions are so volatile, so intrinsically difficult to judge, that it makes it a wonder we get along at all, in this human race...
What respect fundamentally is - is the misperception of another person's worth- at the end of the day, what we love about someone is merely a trait- nothing more, nothing less- with naught but the values, positive or negative, that we prescribe that inherent trait-
these being utterly dependent on our own personalities, and upbringing.
But still, I am the subjective force in this objective environment- and I must make judgements as I see fit, because I cannot view all phenomena objectively- nor react to it with absolute objectivity- should I somehow lose my state and become stateless (enlightenment), then all things would appear as they are-
with each thing having it's own "is-ness", & neither positive nor negative values subjectively ascribed beyond what is useful. Until that point I must - we all have to - react appropriately, not just to the other person, but to our own understanding of how they affect us.
Goodnight and sweet dreams.
M@T
I had fun last night - tho, it wasn't entirely my fault. I had left the housekey in town, and with no other way to get into the house, I had to travel the 30minutes back into Rotorua to find it in one of the three or four places I might've dropped it-
luckily (I always laugh at 'luck' like this) it happened to be in the first place I went to.
So anyway, I felt I might as well make the most of the time since was already in town and went to have a look at a gig I'd been told about earlier in the evening.
I never ended up checking out the gig though - just ended up talking to people outside the gig I met. But that was enough. So until 1pm, I hung out in town doing very little, asides from talking - no loud music, no intoxicants of any kind. I.e I did f*ck all- I enjoyed myself, but to a tiny extent.
So I wake this morning feeling happy but my body is shaking, I feel dizzy and I get a nosebleed(!WTF? Nosebleed?! I didn't know they still existed!)- to make matters worse, ElemenoP is playing on the radio! And they're SO sh*tE!!!
So I enjoyed myself a tiny bit - nothing major, just a couple of hours- what is up with you God? You know, if I wasn't buddhist, I'd totally f*cking kick you, or something.
If this was the 60's, or medieval times, or middle america (okay, okay, cheap shot, I'm aware of it..), I'd be all like, "Hey, God! No! NO, that's a BAD, BAD almighty mega-deity and externalised personification of all that is good!!! I'll totally kick your arse you long-haired layabout hippy!"
No. In reality, this is just CFS- you can have fun, but only to the extent you are willing to pay for it- or to the extent that it doesn't end up winding you up and tiring you out.
As CS Lewis is alleged to have said, "No, parson, it's just bad and there's all there is to it."
Usually I dislike simplistic notions of self, as in those proposed by almost every new age book ever read, because they fall far too short of the truth.
However, 2000-year old classifications of self, I can do- I'm talking about the original Theravaden classifications of people-
The reason I can deal with them is not because they're accurate- not because they're 100% truthful-
but because they're funny, and negative. According to The Path of Purification, there are angry, deluded or greedy persons - that's right - only three.
They write on about how to recognise whether a person is angry, deluded or greedy based on the way they walk. They're probably right. Unless you're a dancer, or an actor, or have a limp, or a bad foot, or... etc. Maybe this isn't the most accurate way to judge someone's temperament (particularly since you've only got three categories to boil them down to - so if you mess up, they're stuck with it for life! SO DON'T LIMP, DAMNIT!!!).
SO I like it because it's ridiculous, but truthful. A relative simplism, but useful in the way that simplisms are: to be used when communicating to stupid people.
And there is some hope in it:
"So, for example, to remedy a tendency toward anger, we practice lovingkindness. To ease grasping, we practice generosity or renunciation. To counteract delusion, we practice focused attention.
One type is not considered better than another; all are equally conditioned and impersonal. With mindfulness as the alchemical agent, each of these factors can be transmuted. It is possible to experience the positive aspect of each mental tendency, without compulsiveness or a sense of limitation.
In the teachings, this is considered their purified form.
The tendency toward greed, for instance, also indicates a willingness to draw near to things, to experience life fully, to surrender to experience. So the purified manifestation of greedy types is faith. Faith too allows us to draw near to experience, to face life more fully, to surrender, and it does so without the stickiness and obscuring intoxication of greed.
Angry types may fixate on what is wrong in a situation, but this also contains an aspect of being ready to look more deeply than others might be inclined to, being willing to honestly recognise what may be unpleasant or unwelcome. Because of these factors, anger transmutes to wisdom. Wisdom also demands that we go beneath a superficial level of perception, that we be able to incorporate the unpleasantness that is normally hidden from view, and thus more fully understand all elements of life. Wisdom can function in these ways without the painful and isolating effects of anger.
The deluded type feels disconnected from whatever is happening in a situation and doesn't quite know how to respond, but with increasing mindfulness, this type of person can transform that same tendency into one of spacious equanimity. Rather than being insensitive to what is happening, the person responds with serenity, which comes from being fully connected at all times because of the clarity of mindfulness.
Whatever type we may think we are, it is important to recognise that we are all entrapped in some way or another by our conditioned minds. Mindfulness is the agent of our freedom."
- 'A Heart as Wide as the world' by Sharon Salzberg.
I look forward to any mutation :)
Emotional/mental immaturity a modern social and job requirement according to leading researchers.
Well, that article explains a lot.
About our lives, society as a whole, and the pervasiveness of "non-culture"...
Also, just in case you're a bit behind: GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL! (no, really?).
m@
Quote by Frank Zappa: "The most important thing in art is The Frame. For painting: literally; for other arts: figuratively - because, without this humble appliance, you can't KNOW where The Art stops and The Real World begins.
You have to put a 'box' around it because otherwise, WHAT IS THIS s**t ON THE WALL?
If John Cage, for instance, says, "I'm putting a contact microphone on my throat, and I'm going to drink carrot juice, and that's my composition," then his gurgling qualifies as HIS COMPOSITION because he put a frame around it and said so. "Take it or leave it, I now WILL this to be MUSIC." After that it's a matter of taste. Without the frame-as-announced, it's a guy swallowing carrot juice.
So, if music is the best, what IS music? Anything CAN be music, but it doesn't BECOME MUSIC until someone wills it to be music, and the audience listening to it decides to PERCEIVE IT AS MUSIC.
Most people can't deal with that abstraction - or don't want to. They say: "Gimmie THE TUNE. Do I like this TUNE? Does it sound like another TUNE THAT I LIKE? The more familiar it is, THE BETTER I LIKE IT. Hear those three notes there? Those are the three notes I can sing along with. I like those notes VERY, VERY MUCH. Give me a beat. Not a fancy one. Give me a GOOD BEAT - something I can dance to. It has to go boom-bap, boom-boom-BAP. If it doesn't, I will HATE it VERY, VERY MUCH. Also, I want it RIGHT AWAY - and then, write me some more songs like that - over and over and over again, because I'm REALLY into MUSIC."
I just noticed that iuma.com, after several years on life-support, is well-and-truly-past-the-point-of-no-return, dead beyond a shadow of a doubt. Which means that half (no, *most*) of my downloads haven't been available for months!!!
Will fix as soon as I find a new host and get my ass onto it-
This is a picture of an interesting translation, which my friends Ian and Kristy laidlaw took while on holiday.
Also, Cerebral's put much of his slightly older stuff up online for free. I'll include a direct link to the downloads as the actual link is difficult to spot on his site- [UPDATE: Is down]
Ah, typical - the week after the hospital visit I have a cold producing mucus at factory levels - half a roll of toilet paper each day? They just don't builds colds like this anymore-
the irony of course is that I haven't had a consistent cold since I initially got sick- so hey! Maybe I'm getting better! :)
In other news - well actually there is no other news.
I really like frosts :)
Also, I am repeatedly and consistently amused by the complex inability of proponents of the theory of "personal emotional responsibility" to apply their viewpoint to their own actions. More often it is used as a justification for terrible behaviour - "So, I raped you - how you feel about it is your own problem" (a Mongrel Mob member, TV, circa 2004).
However, when -they- get annoyed, irritated, or angry about something, suddenly it's EVERYBODY elses's problem. Essentially comes down to the same "well I haven't got a problem with me, f*ck you" attitude, but with a little more precise wording thrown in to make it sound more mature than it actually is.
Life is complex - responsibilities are complex. Any simplistic approach to human behaviour is not only dangerous, but innaccurate- I think-
Noticed how windows media player (under xp) will periodically steal file and object associations from other applications?
Yet another insidious attempt by microsoft to insert itself back into our lives in as many ways as possible - here's how to get around it:
Then you won't get your associations stolen, and you can play back Windows Media files.
M@
They took 5-15 vials of blood out of me each day and stocked me full of some
drug that exascerbated my thyroid gland (on purpose)- did the same thing for
my adrenal plexus as well-
these tests led them to the conclusion that I do not, in fact, have anything
wrong with my thyroid-
I do, however, have something wrong with either my thyroid hormones, or the
chemicals which help bind the hormones to the receptors, or the receptors
themselves- according to the doctors, one of these is slightly mutated
(although they can't prove it without long DNA-sequences, this is the most
likely (and only known) conclusion from their analysis) - the condition is called
thyroid hormone resistance, and poses no problems, other than the fact that
my thyroid has to produce more thyroid hormones than a normal human body, in
order to deal with the fact that not enough of it (in extreme-layman's
terms) is picked up by the rest of the body- to put it simply.
Because the condition is genetic, and so I will've had it all my life, there
is nothing they can do about - at the same time,
it's not actually a cause of my illness, or a problem - the only side
effects are that because my body has to produce more hormones, it also
consumes more of the nutrients as building blocks of the hormones- and if I
don't get enough of them I will become clinically hypothyroid (although
compared to most people my thyroid levels will be comparitively normal or
high)-
the silver lining is that because the thyroid was a red herring (not
literally of course), I get to avoid painful or extensive surgery to either
my thyroid or pituatary glands, but now I just have to assume chronic
fatigue syndrome is the issue, and wait it out to see how long it takes me
to get back to my original levels of energy-
at this rate it's gonna be another couple of years, but we'll see.
Sideeffects from the hospital include a splitting headache which's continued
for several days, and boredom, although I kept other people entertained with my guitar playing and general exuberance.
m@t
I am growing more comfortable, nowadays, with calling myself somewhat buddhist - not because that term accurately describes my beliefs, but because it describes what I believe _well enough_, and is less confusing to people than describing exactly what I think about this sort of thing.
At any rate, buddhism forms the main bulk of what I believe, and so is as good a label as any- certainly I am not a humanist, or a new ager.
So long as everyone bears in mind that any label is a partial truth and not a whole story, I think they can be useful mental constructs to have hanging around.
m@t
Why is it that the occasionally the most corrupt or restless nations and individuals (hello billy corgan. hello wagner.) oftimes produce the most inspiring, emotionally-moving, beautiful art?
Perhaps it is because they have more to escape from? I certainly could understand that - the points in my life where music has seemed to be the most inspired has certainly been when I have been at my lowest, emotionally-
However, I prefer to listen to music now which enhances the space I'm already in, rather than escaping to somewhere else. If I have to escape, I'll escape, but I am wary of the value of escapism without restraints.
A few deserved reviews:
The inherent problem with moving forward is that moving forward has no inherent value-
are we, for example, moving forward towards something better or worse? If worse, then moving forward is detrimental. The same applies for moving backwards-
looking to the past has no inherent value, besides that which we ascribe to it- that is, whether or not we value what was in the past, or aspects of it.
The problem with my generation, and the generation before it, and the generation before that, is the obsession with the new, the trend, the fad, pop-culture, without understanding that 'different' does not necessarily equate 'better'.
In this culture of fast-moving, fast-changing times, the momentum is spured by the ingrained ideology which surmises that 'new' can reasonably be equated with 'better', 'old' with bad. People routinely commit revolutions, invade other countries and change governments over this same misunderstanding-
that somehow, something being different has any bearing on whether it is good- in fact, I think we should evaluate based on whether something is healthy, whether it stimulates us, whether it touches us emotionally or furthers us spiritually-
and whether the concept is new has no bearing on that.
But unfortunately the world of art is hung up (and stuck up) on that self-same pole of self-righteous revolution-for-the-sake-of-revolution.
The idea that merely different is good, doesn't actually work in the real world-
popular culture agrees with me- mainstream people don't like things because they are different from a shallow intellectual focus,
they like them because they are meaningful in a human way, in a way that resonates with architypes and feelings that have moved us for centuries-
that's why I did 'O'- not because it was innovative (of course, sampling has been an accepted form of art in everything -but- the film universe for at least 30 years now)- the reason I made O (asides from an easy way to lump together a great body of work within a visual context that would thereby potentially reach a slightly greater audience than by sound-alone) because it made me feel something, and because I wanted to share those feelings, with other people.
m@
A weapon I thought of a while back:
But by far the most amazing and effective weapon, developed by the british in 1940, was the steam-driven quantum disassembler.
This peculiar device shot out atoms vibrating at a frequency which resonated with the quantum entanglement of a human body, hence dissolving the person in question into a cloud of quantum fog (which invariably turned into air + water - but occasionally would resolve itself as a cow or similar bovine creature - this peculiarity was removed upon further improvements to the gun, as numerous soldiers would kill their opponent only to be trampled to death. The upside of this was that the victors always had plenty of meat after the war was over, and in fact special editions of this gun were developed later which invariably solved the world hunger crisis by turning dirt into chickens and fish). The result was bloodless war, enhanced by the fact that the principle of quantum entanglement was found not only to manifest between particles far away from each other in space, but also through the same particles separated in time-
and hence, if you shot someone with a disassembler they ceased to have existed throughout all space and time - it was as if they'd never been - this greatly alleviated the problems of warfare, as the victims of war never had any missing relatives to get angry about, and this greatly stabilised the dominance of the British empire and world peace.
Of course, this meant that soldiers would win, have 2 seconds to celebrate before the reason for the fight ceased to have any quantum relatedness, at which point they would then reappear in Brussels or Sussex wondering why the hell their sofa was littered with rather expensive war bonds. Also due to the interrelatedness of kin, occasionally someone would shoot someone's uncles brother - and via the interrelatedness of the numerous probabilities of space and time, one of your own soldiers would cease to exist- this became quite a problem until the army demanded a full genealogy tree for all prospective (and existing) soldiers, so that people with any relations in the country they were attacking at the time would be sent home and certain enemies would simply be kidnapped instead of disassembled.
Infighting within poor countries became virtually unheard of as even shooting someone you barely knew could bring about your own demise (in many cases the revealed infidelity of mothers and fathers could be quite embarrassing).
m@
(an excrutiatory series of extended explorations via extrapolated potifications into extra-ordinary paragraphical configurations (exclamation))
The neighbouring docks @ halfmoon bay remind me of english cartoons read in childhood featuring vanquished, polluted bays, strewn with
filth. A post-apocalyptic landscape, perhaps - Wishful thinking? :)
The ship to waiheke moves slowly and awkwardly upon the sea like a dominated walrus, caught in the throes of uncontrolled & unrequested intimacy. The luxury of free milo keeps me awake and thinking as the ship plummets east. There is something of a genetic or cultural feeling to being transported on the waves, something our ancestors must've felt as they made their longer, more perilous journeys. A boat = a long destination. Or homelessness. The intermediacy of suspension between equally pliable volumes of ephemerals. Planes just don't cut it. Cars are too modern too, though they have the advantage of cd-players. No wait, it's mp3 players now - stupid 'kids and their crazy technology'.
An auckland woman repeatedly shuts the door leading to the cabin as passengers repeatedly leave it open in their passage, letting the cold fast wind blow into and through our clothes. I eat bland, possibly-GE cashew nuts from a supermarket baggie as our boat sidles into the harbour, mooring ropes akimbo. I'm here to get some work done, and, possibly, to learn a little bit about what plants I'm meant to kill (weeds) and which I'm meant to save. I'm staying at the Forest and Bird lodge and doing some sound&music for my friend Richard on his latest 3D thingy-.
I observe the beach and wonder if New Zealanders are living in a golden age - right now, with yellow sand in front of me, it almost seems that way.
The shore at Man 'o war bay (ironic, given that one week later, 10s of
1000s of Man of war jellyfish were washed up around the corner at
onetangi bay - although this has nothing to do with Man of War bay,
which gained it's name from a sub that was supposedly positioned there
during wartime) emits a multitude of groans while underfoot, the
combination of
stone and shell like chalk drawn against hollow bones... the empty
space,
devoid of other persons and almost NZ-gothic in atmos, gives one
time to
ponder the crucial thoughts of life in general, for example,
has anybody
noticed neither Keanu Reeves and Tom Cruise appear to age?
They may be
aliens, in which case the Church of Scientology is probably in cahoots
with the Raelians.
This would explain a lot of things, including my previous hypothesis on
the Raelian cult's cloning claims. See previous years emails.
Keanu may not be a scientologist but given his acting ability, I believe
that he could be an alien-earth hybrid, possibly partially cloned from the dead stump of an oak.
I climb further up the cliff face. At 45 degrees, the sun sparkles
across the water, a million azure rays beamed directly across and
into the ball of the eye, I gaze into the hypnotic depths of the abyss, to
be greeted by the creator staring back at me, toes dipped in wet
sand, salt water trickling into hair.
The trees also stare - that hill's unexpected monobrow, fringing the
worldly alliance of rock and air, seems almost sentient. The clouds
waggle in infinite jest, their gestures wide, spacious hand puppets
making theatre for the masses...
Many, many pounds of weight lie beneath me in the
foundation bedrock of the cliff, supporting my weight as if I were an
insect on it's back, praying it doesn't hit me, callously scrape me
into the gentle winding depths of the ocean.
There is something in the human psyche, or perhaps largely the western
psyche, that craves highs and avoids the low. We would rather fly to
the moon no matter the cost, than sink to the bottom of the ocean and
observe what goes on there. I guess I understand that - there is
something pleasant in being higher, in seeing a vaster vision, wider-encompassing
knowledge. Perhaps the macroscopic focus gives us a little taste of
omniscience-
however, the fact that we know so very little about the ocean floor
while knowing so much about other planets, goes to show how inept we
are when it comes to prioritising.
Equably, people would rather stay up high than really hear where I'm at
- or project their own ideas of my life onto me than observe or hear what
it's actually like. I've come to the conclusion that I don't care-
Bollocks to people's rubbish perceptions.
The flat line of the horizon is a lie - in reality the sea stretches on
forever, encircling the world in a watery loop-the-loop.
The silence that is left when only the air remains;
all things rejoice in grateful blessing of the sun's radiance,
while white puffs emerge ominously from the coromandel - I wonder, will
I end up there, too?
Looking far into the gulf, outcrops of tiny islets
that seldom feel the oily touch of man save a few lone sailors sent
there to check the lighthouses which spin silently in the dusk...
I love this country and every part and particle of it-
the way the hills align, clanking into each other like shifts
of armour, fields roll, trees strain and stretch ever higher. Not
_quite_ so keen on the people tho'...
I trespass on private property for a
better view of the other side of the hill, watching the sea as it
reaches forever, conquering the vanishing point with calm, plasticised grace.
The trees continue to throw their many arms at the sky.
Richard arrives - he is coming through to release his stress, from the
last project, we buy $50 of junk food - neither of us drink, have thus
found other ways to destroy our bodies peacably.
At the supermarket I leave my wallet accidentally. A lady with no
manners picks it up and calls my Aunt and Uncle (also on the island)
and eventually they get in contact with me-
Later on, she tells me, from within her sumptuously-appointed 7-million
dollar waiheke villa, how illness is a symptom of the mind and how we
can all cure ourselves - she runs a nutritional supplementary company.
I try to explain to her what a complete load of rubbish that is, but
she's got her own ideas of who I am (from reading my wallet, apparently) -
so, she tells me (and without the slightest hint of self-awareness) "oh, of
course your disease is real- FOR YOU". Oh, Well Done. I grew out of
that belief at age 10, but apparently it takes longer for rich fat bastards.
Tell it to the babies dying of aids in South Africa next time, lady.
I save my fist for the next person who tries to sell me something, and
write a letter to her - after all, I know who I am - I don't someone
else to tell me.
Some time later, I find penguins. Both have been attacked by the man-o'-war jellyfish currently in onetangi's bay, presumably, as one is dead, and the other one shaken and confused. I pet it, which presumably gives me the penguin-equivalent of the plague. I leave them there with a side-order of crushed pistachios, as a food offering for the live one, though from what Richard tells me later on, it sounds like it's not of much use.
A storm is coming and I stand on the edge of the lodge to see over to the sea, unfortunately a wind snakes through, blows me off, four meters down, through the hedges. In the intense blackness at 10 oclock at night, the entire experience is strangely surreal - I emerge unharmed, laughing till the shock wears off, then I fall down.
As for how I'm doing- well, I'm yet to find out - yet more tests to
come within the next month, but perhaps a quote from
Black Books
will illustrate a partiality of how I'm feeling better than I can:
Fran: Bernard?
Bernard: Yes?
Fran: Do you ever feel... well, do you ever think about what all that smoking and drinking is doing to you?
Bernard: Well - there are times.
Fran: Yes?
Bernard: Well, sometimes, in the morning, halfway between the third and
fourth cigarette and the 5th glass of wine, when you think...
Fran: (knowingly) Yes...
Bernard: You know, and you're coughing up black snot and you look in
the mirror, and you just think...
Fran (smiling knowingly, nodding) Yes...
Bernard: ...this is absolutely fantastic. I am having THE best time.
Fran: ...oh.
Actually it's not that great, but I will get there, eventually-
Cheers,
M@ :-)
All bullsh*t opinions & writings (c) Copyright 2006 Matt Bentley except when quoting others
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